Learning to grow

There are days that you dread, and on those days you dread, you usually get to anticipate their coming.

Monday I got into class, and it was my worst nightmare unfolding before my eyes. We weren't prepared. We didn't know what was about to happen. For some it might not have been a big deal, but for me, it was pretty much my worst nightmare multiplied by a 100.

Have you ever done something that you just dread? The mere thought of it just makes you squirm uncomfortably?

We were told on Monday that the whole day we would be practicing physicals on each other.

This might not seem bad for some, but after they disclosed what this would encompass, I could feel myself squirming, feeling sick, and hyperventilating just to even think about it.

We were told we would get in a hospital gown, the ones that sort of fasten up, and have to be nearly naked at moments in front of our peers. Awkward. Very, very awkward.

I could feel a very prominent thought inside my head forming,  "I did not sign up for this!" 

It's not so bad if you actually have a doctor you see, but to have to spend a whole day in front of these people that I know on a personal level, people that I will see every day for the next two years except for weekends and holidays, and then add this uncomfortable scene into the picture.... Well it just wasn't what I really wanted to do. I'm conservative for goodness sakes!

This concept was a stretch. 

And then I thought about it, and then some more again, and then a little bit more. I thought hard.

I wonder how the patient feels to be in those places, exposed, vulnerable, and uncomfortable. 

Maybe this fear is a good thing as we learn to stretch ourselves. 

Maybe this fear is showing us how it feels to be human and in other people's shoes. 

This fear is showing us how to feel empathy for someone, because we have once been in their same spots enduring the feeling of being on the hospital bed and vulnerable. 

This raw fear was recreating a scene we might have to live in only a matter of months, but played out on the other side of the situation.

I guess things that make us think, make us think hard, will help us grow and stretch in a way that breeds compassion.  

You have to find understanding in all trials, no matter what they mean, big or small. 

Monday the lesson I learned is what feels to be truly empathetic towards another human being as a nurse. I will carry that in my heart as long as I live.

Empathy- the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another. 

Done, done, and done!

It's nearly midnight, and I am rushing to post something before my cell phone battery shuts off for good.

I'm realizing that living in this city has killed my cell phone battery, but I refuse to switch to other companies that charge way too much for way less than I have now just to get better signal.

I finally have everything turned in for school. I faxed my packet today. It was such a liberating feeling, but fear has started to set inside my heart a bit. 

Maybe fear isn't the right word for it. Maybe nervousness is a better description. 

I am worried that I don't have what it takes to get through these next two years. I have heard from so many people about how tough it is, and how they've designed it so it might be impossible to work during the process. 

I am afraid of failing. 

I never saw myself in these places even five years ago. 

I never knew I wanted something so much. Maybe all these past few months of struggling to get things turned in, living on a wish and a prayer, was Gods way of showing me that this is what I really wanted, so that I wouldn't take it for granted. I would remember how much I prayed and cried when I was afraid that I would be a day late and a dollar short, and I would use that feeling to power me through because I knew just how much faith it took to get to this place.

Even though it might be the hardest thing I have every done in my life, it will be worth it. 

My blog might be my only friend for the next two years. 

They gave us a letter to give to our family and friends from the nursing department that essentially says  we will be absent from their lives until this program is completed. 

I hope that I can write about every single, crazy second of the journey.

My future  posts might be non-complete sentences scrawled on restaurant napkins, but I am hopeful to at least write something. 

It's all coming together

Well, school is starting soon.

I have never been on such a roller coaster of emotions as I have the last three months.

1. Getting accepted into the nursing program (Pure elation)

2. Wondering how I am going to pay for every thing that they require this summer. (fear)

3. And slowly coming to the realization that God will provide, and in miraculous ways. (hope and happiness)

Trust isn't an easy thing, and admittedly it's harder for me to trust when I don't know what the path is going to look like.

I just know that it's necessary for my heart to do it, and that I live happier when I do it.

What I know is that I have never prayed harder for something, worked harder for something, and been giving an opportunity to do something like this.

I am so thankful.

This is my beautiful writing view today: 

Picture via the  hipstamatic app on my iPhone.