That awkward moment when...

It doesn't matter where it happens, or when it happens, but if you're in your late 20's, single with no children to speak of...And I mean none, then it's bound to come up.

It's always an awkward moment when someone asks you a question, and you reply with a response that goes against the natural progression of adolescence, then young adulthood, and then finally adulthood (at least in Idaho).

The conversation goes something like this.

Them: Are you married?

Me: Uh, No.

Them: Oh, do you have any children?

Me: Um... Nope.

Them: Oh, a boyfriend then?

Me: Hmm. No.

The last person to ask these series of questions actually interrogated me further by asking "Why".

I was caught quite off guard by her question. I didn't know her well, and my life is pretty much an open book to most people, but I wondered what's wrong with this? Why can't I be in my late 20's and single with no children? Why can't this be acceptable to someone else? Outside of small towns in rural areas, or even Idaho, this might be a normal thing.

I don't think she realized how sensitive of a topic this was for me, or she wouldn't have asked. I remember feeling very uncomfortable, but I don't recall what I told her to soothe her from asking more questions. The room was unbearably hot, and I wanted go somewhere to be alone to ask myself this very same question...Why?

 It is a thought consistently on my heart and mind since the only person I ever gave my heart to broke it years ago. I don't wish this person any ill, or hold angst for them in my heart. I know that he was not the right person for me.

I am thankful God delivered me from the situation before I had the chance to make a wrong decision.

I think a part of me is very much afraid of putting myself out there. I am not a pursuer. I know that for anything to happen God is going to have to smack me in the face with it, or give them a gift of pursing me. 

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about my hearts desire to marry and have children. I see my friends and their families, and I am so happy for them, but a part of me wishes that I could have something similar. 

When I was a child I had a plan.

This plan was to marry in my late teens or early 20's, and have four children by the time I was 30. Ha! I mock the dreams of my younger self, but not out of resentment or regret. I know that my plan wasn't the right plan for my life.  I know that God has had other plans for me. 

I look back at the last five years, and I know that I wouldn't have been able to do all of things I've been fortunate enough to do with a family of my own. My focus would have been completely theirs and rightfully so. 

Still, it doesn't stop my human heart from questioning His plan for me. 

For hoping. 

For wishing.

No, God has had other plans for me. I may not understand right now. I know the next two years of my life will be completely absorbed by the RN program. 

So I wait, and awkwardly watch my daddy try to marry me off in conversations so that he can have grandchildren before he dies... No seriously..this happens ALL the time! Love you dad!